Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

A shoplifter (магазинный вор) was caught (был пойман) red-handed (на месте преступления: "красноруким, с красными руками") trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store (при попытке украсть наручные часы из эксклюзивного ювелирного магазина; exclusive ). "Listen (послушайте)," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either (я знаю, вы также ::как и я:: не хотите никаких неприятностей). What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? (что вы скажете — я просто покупаю часы и мы забываем об этом)"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip (менеджер согласился и заполнил бланк с ценой). The crook (воришка) looked at the slip (посмотрел на бланк) and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend (это несколько больше, чем я намеревался потратить). Can you show me something less expensive? (вы не могли бы показать мне что-нибудь менее дорогое)"

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

"But why (но почему)," demanded (спросил) the puzzled judge (сбитый с толку судья) of the burglar (у грабителя) standing before (стоящего перед ::ним::), "did you break into (вы влезали в; to break — ломать) the same store three nights running? (один и тот же магазин три ночи подряд; to run — бежать; здесь — следовать)"

"Well, Judge, it's like this (это было так)," was the reply (был ответ). "I picked out a dress for my wife (я взял: «подобрал, подцепил» платье для моей жены; to pick — выбирать, подбирать, отбирать) and I had to change it twice (а затем мне пришлось поменять его дважды)."

"But why," demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, "did you break into the same store three nights running?"

"Well, Judge, it's like this," was the reply. "I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice."

I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice.

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson (Шерлок Холмс и его друг Ватсон) were on a camping and hiking trip (были в палаточном походе; to hike — путешествовать, ходить пешком, бродяжничать).

They had gone to bed (они легли спать) and were lying there (и лежали "там") looking up at the sky (смотря ::вверх:: на небо).

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? (Ватсон, посмотрите наверх. Что вы видите)"

"Well, I see thousands of stars (я вижу тысячи звезд)."

"And what does that mean to you? (и что это значит, по-вашему, о чем вам это говорит)"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow (мне кажется, это значит, что у нас завтра будет очередной хороший денек). What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent (что кто-то стащил нашу палатку ::to steel-stole-stolen — красть::)."

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

And what does that mean to you?

On a rural road (на проселочной дороге) a state trooper (конный полицейский) pulled this farmer over (остановил ::машину:: фермера) and said: "Sir, do you realize (сэр, вы понимаете ::знаете::) your wife fell out of the car several miles back? (что ваша супруга выпала из машины несколько миль "назад" ::to fall-fell-fallen — падать::)"

To which the farmer replied (на что фермер ответил), "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf! (слава Богу, я думал, я "стал глухим", оглох)"

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Thank God!

Old farmer Johnson was dying (старый фермер Джонсон умирал). The family was standing around his bed (семья стояла вокруг его постели). With a low voice he said to his wife (тихим голосом он сказал своей жене): "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones (когда я умру, я хочу, чтобы ты вышла за фермера Джонса)."

Wife (жена): "No, I can't marry anyone after you (нет, я не могу выйти ни за кого после тебя)."

Johnson: "But I want you to (но я хочу, чтобы ты это сделала)."

Wife: "But why? (но почему)"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal! (Джонс однажды надул меня при покупке лошади; deal — сделка)"

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

But I want you to.

Newly wed wife to her husband (молодая жена своему мужу):

"That is why I can't stand you (вот почему я не могу выносить тебя) - you are so unpredictable (ты такой непредсказуемый; to predict — предсказывать). On Monday you liked the potatoes (в понедельник ты любил картошку), Tuesday (во вторник) you liked the potatoes, Wednesday (в среду) you liked the potatoes, Thursday (в четверг) you said (ты сказал) you loved the potatoes preparation (тебе понравилось приготовление картошки - как она приготовлена), Friday (в пятницу) you liked the potatoes, Saturday (в субботу) you liked the potatoes and now (а сейчас) all of a sudden (вдруг) on Sunday (в воскресенье) you say that you don't like potatoes."

Newly wed wife to her husband:

"That is why I can't stand you — you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes."

That is why I can't stand you — you are so unpredictable.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself (человек в баре видит за столиком приятеля, пьющего в одиночку).

Approaching (подойдя, приблизившись к) the friend he comments (замечает), "You look terrible (ты ужасно выглядишь). What's the problem? (в чем проблема, что случилось)"

"My mother died in August (моя мать умерла в августе)," he said, "and left me (оставила мне) $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough (ого, вот это сурово; taugh — жесткий, плотный, упругий; тяжело)," he replied (ответил).

"Then in September (затем в сентябре)," the friend continued (продолжал), "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months (ух-ты, двое родителей за два месяца). No wonder you're depressed (неудивительно, что ты подавлен)."

"And last month (в прошлом месяце) my aunt (тетя) died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? (три близких члена семьи потеряны за три месяца) How sad (как печально)."

"Then this month (а в этом месяце)," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing! (абсолютно ничего)"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

You look terrible. What's the problem?

Gee, that's tough!

No wonder you're depressed.

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude (пациент пожал руку доктора с благодарностью ::to shake-shook-shaken — трясти::) and said (и сказал), "Since we are the best of friends (так как мы лучшие друзья), I would not insult you by offering payment (я не буду обижать вас, предлагая плату). But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will (но я хочу, чтобы вы знали, что я упомянул вас в своем завещании)."

"That is very kind of you (это очень мило с вашей стороны)," said the doctor emotionally (взволнованно, растроганным голосом), and then added (добавил), "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? (можно я посмотрю тот рецепт, что я вам дал только что) I'd like to make a little change… (я бы хотел сделать небольшое изменение)"

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…"

That is very kind of you.

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do (человек сказал своему врачу, что он не может делать) all the things around the house that he used to do (все вещи по дому, которые он раньше делал: «имел обыкновение делать»). When the examination was complete (когда осмотр был завершен), he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it (ну, док, я справлюсь с этим: «я могу взять это»). Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me (скажи мне на ясном английском - открыто, что со мной не так; plain — ясный, понятный; простой; ровный ::о местности::; равнина)."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy (ты просто ленивый)."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife (теперь назови мне медицинский термин, чтобы я мог сказать моей жене)."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Now, Doc, I can take it.

What is wrong with him?

You're just lazy.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient (когда доктор закончил осмотр пациента; complete ; patient ), he said (он сказал), "I can't find a cause for your complaint (я не могу найти причину вашей жалобы; complaint ). Frankly (откровенно ::говоря::), I think it's due to drinking (я думаю, это из-за выпивания; due — должный, обязанный, ожидаемый)."

"In that case (в таком случае)," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober (я вернусь, когда вы будете трезвым, когда протрезвеете)".

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".

Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.

A patient came to his dentist (пациент пришел к своему дантисту) with problems with his teeth (с проблемами с зубами).

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth (у меня желтые зубы), what do I do? (что мне делать)

Dentist: Wear a brown tie! (носите коричневый галстук; to wear )

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

What do I do?

Patient: My hair keeps falling out (мои волосы продолжают выпадать). What can you give me (что вы можете мне дать) to keep it in? (чтобы сохранить их)

Doctor: A shoebox (коробку от ботинок).

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.

My hair keeps falling out.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? (что представляется проблемой)

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling (доктор, у меня постоянно такое чувство: «продолжаю получать чувство») that nobody can hear what I say (что никто не слышит, что я говорю).

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: You're in good health (вы совершенно здоровы: "вы в добром здравии"; health ). You'll live to be eighty (вы доживете до 80).

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now (но доктор, мне сейчас 80).

Doctor: See, what did I tell you (видите, что я вам говорил).

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

You're in good health.

See, what did I tell you.

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem (у меня серьезная проблема с памятью; serious ; memory ). I can't remember anything! (я ничего не могу запомнить, вспомнить)

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? (так, с какого времени у вас эта проблема)

Patient: What problem? (какая проблема)

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

I can't remember anything!

A man, after being hurt (человек, после того, как получил повреждения, травму: to hurt — причинить боль, повредить, ушибить), calls 911 for help (звонит 911 за помощью).

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance! (вызовите мне скорую помощь :: назовите меня скорой помощью — игра слов: to call — вызывать::называть; ambulance )

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance! (вы — скорая помощь)

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Call me an ambulance!

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes (ударник, уставший от всех шуток про ударников), decides to change his instrument (решает сменить инструмент). After some thought (после некоторого раздумья), he decides on the accordion (он выбирает аккордеон). So he goes to the music store (и он идет в музыкальный магазин) and says to the owner (и говорит хозяину), "I'd like to look at the accordions, please (я хочу взглянуть на аккордеоны, пожалуйста)."

The owner gestures (указывает) to a shelf in the corner (на полку в углу) and says, "All our accordions are over there (все наши аккордеоны вон там)."

After browsing (после беглого рассматривания; browse — молодые побеги; to browse — ощипывать листья, молодые побеги; пролистывать, небрежно просматривать), the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner (я думаю, мне подойдет большой красный в углу)."

The store owner looks at him (смотрит на него) and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you? (вы ударник, не так ли)"

The drummer, crestfallen (упавший духом: crest — гребешок ::петуха:: + to fall — падать), says, "How did you know? (как вы узнали)"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator (тот большой красный аккордеон — радиатор; radiator )."

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.

After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

I'd like to look at the accordions, please.

How did you know?

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says (человек заходит в кабинет врача и говорит), "Doc, I haven't had a bowel (кишка, кишечник) movement (движение) in a week! (доктор, у меня нет стула неделю)" The doctor gives him a prescription (дает ему рецепт) for a mild laxative (мягкого слабительного; laxative ) and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know (если не поможет, дайте мне знать)."

A week later (спустя неделю), the guy is back (человек возвращается): "Doc, still (по-прежнему) no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess (::мне:: кажется) you need (вам нужно) something ber (что-то сильнее)," and prescribes (выписывает) a powerful laxative (сильное слабительное; power — мощь).

Still (все же, тем не менее) another week later (спустя еще неделю: "спустя другую неделю") the poor (несчастный) guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing! (по-прежнему ничего)"

The doctor, worried (обеспокоенный), says, "We'd better get some more information about you (нам лучше получить побольше информации о вас) to try to figure out what's going on (чтобы попытаться выяснить, что происходит). What do you do for a living? (что вы делаете "для проживания" - чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь)"

"I'm a musician (я музыкант)."

The doctor looks up (поднимает глаза) and says, "Well, that's it! (ну, понятно) Here's (здесь: "вот") $10.00. Go get something to eat! (идите купите что-нибудь поесть)"

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something ber," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

That's it!

What do you do for a living?