My dentist told me (мой зубной врач сказал мне ::to tell-told-told::) he had good news and bad news (что у него есть хорошая новость и плохая).

I said, "Give me the bad news first (давайте плохую новость первой). Maybe (может быть) the good news will cheer me up (меня утешит, ободрит; to cheer — привествовать громкими возгласами; ободрять)."

"Well, you need a root canal (вам нужен «корневой канал»)," he started, "and complete lower bridgework (полный нижний мост). It's going to cost about $3,000 (это будет стоить около 3000$)."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed (воскликнул). "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed (улыбнулся; beam — луч; to beam — сиять; лучезарно улыбаться), "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday (что я загнал мяч в лунку вчера ::hole-in-one — высший результат при игре в гольф::; hole — дырка ::to shoot-shot-shot — стрелять; попадать::)."

-------

My dentist told me he had good news and bad news.

I said, "Give me the bad news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up."

"Well, you need a root canal," he started, "and complete lower bridgework. It's going to cost about $3,000."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."

-------

Mildred came back (вернулась) from her annual check up (после своего ежегодного осмотра; to check up — проверять) with her doctor (у врача) in an unusually good mood (в непривычно хорошем настроении; usual — обычный), and her husband (ее супруг) asked her what had made her day (спросил ее, что ее так обрадовало: «сделало ее день»).

Mildred said, "The doctor told me (доктор сказал мне) that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old (что у меня груди восемнадцатилетней)."

To which her husband responded (на что ее муж ответил), "What did he say about your forty-six-year-old ass? (а что он сказал о твоей сорокашестилетней заднице)"

Milly retorted (парировала), "He didn't say a word about you! (он не сказал ни слова о тебе)"

-------

Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.

Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?"

Milly retorted, "He didn't say a word about you!"

-------

What has made your day?

-------

The musician finally finished a new song (музыкант наконец закончил новую песню), but no one buys it (но никто не покупает ее). He was telling another musician about it (он рассказывал другому музыканту об этом), and the other guy said, "Let me hear it (дай мне ее послушать - сыграй-ка)".

The first guy went to the piano (подошел к фортепиано) and played a wonderful tune (и сыграл чудесную мелодию). When he finished (когда он закончил), the second (второй) guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see (я не понимаю: «не вижу») why no one buys it (почему ее никто не покупает). What do you call it? (как ты ее называешь - назвал)"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit (я люблю тебя так чертовски сильно: «много», что могу: «мне нужно, хочется» обкакаться; gotta - got to)."

-------

The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, "Let me hear it".

The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit."

-------

Let me hear it.

I don't see why no one will buy it.

I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.

-------

A crusty (угрюмый; crust — корка ::хлеба::) old man (старик) walks into a bank (приходит в банк) and says to the teller at the window (кассирше в окошке), "I want to open (я хочу открыть) a damn checking account (чертов ::чековый:: счет)."

The astonished (удивленная) woman replies, "I beg your pardon (прошу прощения), sir. I must have misunderstood you (должно быть, я вас не поняла: «неверно поняла»). What did you say? (что вы сказали)"

"Listen up, damn it (послушай, черт побери: «проклятье»; to damn it — проклясть это). I said I want to open a damn checking account now! (сейчас - сейчас же)"

"I'm very sorry (очень извиняюсь) sir, but that kind of language (но подобный язык: «такая разновидность языка») is not tolerated in this bank (недопустим: «не терпится» в этом банке)."

The teller leaves (кассир покидает) the window and goes over (проходит) to the bank manager to inform him of her situation (объяснить ему свою ситуацию). The manager agrees (соглашается) that the teller does not have to listen to foul language (не должна слушать непристойный язык; foul — грязный; непристойный).

They both return to the window (они оба возвращаются к окошку) and the manager asks the old geezer (менеджер спрашивает старого чудика), "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? (что за проблема здесь: «что кажется быть проблемой здесь»)"

"There is no damn problem (да никакой чертовой проблемы)," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks (просто я выиграл 50 миллионов баксов ::to win-won-won::) in the damn lottery (в чертову лотерею) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank (и я хочу открыть чертов счет в этом проклятом банке), okay?"

"I see (понимаю: «вижу»)," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time? (и эта сука вас достает: «дает вам трудное время»)"

-------

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

-------

I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

I’m very sorry.

Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

-------

Two retired banking colleagues (двое вышедших на пенсию банковских коллег), Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch (наслаждались несколькими бокалами мартини во время обеда) when John suddenly mused (когда Джон вдруг задумался), "You know, when I was thirty (знаешь, когда мне было тридцать), my erection was so hard (жесткой, твердой, крепкой) that I could grip it with both hands (что я мог захватить, сжать обеими руками) and not be able to bend it (и не был в состоянии нагнуть)."

Harry nodded in understanding (Гарри кивнул с пониманием).

John continued (продолжал), "When I was forty (когда мне было сорок), I could bend it ten degrees (мог отогнуть на десять градусов) with the greatest of effort (с сильнейшим напряжением). At fifty (в пятьдесят), I could bend it maybe twenty degrees (может быть, на двадцать градусов). And now that I'm past sixty (когда мне больше шестидесяти), I can bend it in half with one hand (наполовину, одной рукой)."

John paused to take a sip of his drink (умолк, чтобы отхлебнуть выпивки), and then (затем) said, "Harry, I wonder just how much ber I'm going to get (Гарри, интересно, насколько сильнее я ::еще:: стану).

-------

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much ber I'm going to get."

-------

I wonder just how much ber I'm going to get.

-------

Some small-time crooks (несколько мелких плутов; crook — крюк; обманщик, плут) decided (решили) that people were so stupid (что люди так глупы) that they would accept 18 dollar bills (что они бы приняли 18-ти долларовые купюры) if somebody gave then any (если бы кто-нибудь им дал их ::to give-gave-given::). So they carefully made some plates (они аккуратно сделали несколько клише) and printed some up (и напечатали несколько), and went to a small town to try them out (и поехали в маленький городок испробовать их). They got up to a shopkeeper (они подошли к владельцу магазина) and talked for a while (и поговорили немного), then casually said (потом небрежно, вскользь сказали), "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (скажи, ты можешь мне разменять 18-ти долларовый чек)"

"Sure (конечно)," said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина). "What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел»), three 6's or two 9's? (три ::купюры:: по шесть или две по девять)"

-------

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

-------

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

-------

There was a position open (было свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме). They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили ::число:: претендентов до трех»). The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно). He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата).

"I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос)," says the president (сказал президент), "What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два)"

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) "Four (четыре)."

"Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся - мы с вами свяжемся)," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит), same question (тот же вопрос) "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом), thinks a little bit and says "Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять»)."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно), don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам ::сами:: позвоним)."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, "What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было)"

The president exclaims (восклицает), "YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек - вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите)"

-------

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

-------

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

-------

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed — выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest — остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away — убрать).

But… I must know, did he have a different father? (но… я должен знать, у него другой отец; different — отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет - опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able — умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был ::другой отец::)."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake — трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster — сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster — собирать::ся::) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".

-------

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?… Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".

-------

Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

-------

** LOST DOG (пропала собака: «пропавшая собака») **

3 legs (три лапы),

Blind in left eye (слепа на левый глаз),

Missing right ear (не хватает правого уха),

Tail broken (сломан хвост ::to break-broke-broken::),

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована),

Answers to the name of (откликается на кличку)

"LUCKY (Счастливчик)"

-------

** LOST DOG **

-------

3 legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken,

Recently castrated,

Answers to the name of

"LUCKY"

-------

Little girl asked her Mom (маленькая девочка спросила маму), "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (мама, могу я повести собаку гулять: «взять на прогулку») around the block? (по кварталу: «вокруг квартала»)"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat (нет, потому что у собаки течка: heat - жар; жара)."

"What's that mean? (что это значит)" asked the child (спросило дитя).

"Go ask your Father (пойди спроси у отца). I think he's in the garage (думаю, он в гараже)."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie (могу я взять Сюзи) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom (я спросила маму) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you (и чтобы я спросила тебя)."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here (давай: «приведи» сюда Сюзи)." He took a rag (он взял тряпку ::to take-took-taken::), soaked it with gasoline (намочил ее в бензине), and scrubbed the dog's butt with it (и потер ею cобачий зад) and said, "Ok, you can go now (теперь можешь идти), but keep Susie on the leash (но держи Сюзи на поводке) and only go one time (и обойди только один раз) around the block."

Little girl left (ушла ::to leave-left-left — оставить, покинуть::) and returned a few minutes later (вернулась через несколько минут) with no dog on the leash (без собаки на поводке).

Dad said, "Where's (где) Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas (у Сюзи кончился бензин; run out off… — истощить свой запас ::чего-либо::) about halfway (примерно на полпути) down the block (вниз по кварталу) and there's another dog pushing her home (и там другая собака буксирует: «толкает» ее домой)."

-------

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

-------

What's that mean?

Bring Susie over here!

My car ran out of gas.

-------

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы), filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами), a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться»). They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка ::to feel-felt-felt::). When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику»), the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor — пол, настил; места для членов ::законодательного:: собрания).

"What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой)"

Immediately (немедленно), the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное - вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать). On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час ::to begin-began-begun::) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака). After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти — десяти — пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги), the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней), picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи), kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion — страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут), and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно ::to sit-sat-sat::). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech — речь).

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief — вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло). The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем ::to speak-spoke-spoken::), "Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю)"

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам)."

-------

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

-------

What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!

------- Конец.